Critiquing My Old Writing

Ah. Good ol' Memory Lane, or, as us locals sometimes like to call it, Reminiscence Street (no, I kid you. Who calls it such, despite how cool it sounds?)

Sometimes, strolling down the smooth-- or bumpy with cracks and chunks of concrete lying about that you always trip over and children always topple onto with their bikes and end up with a scraped knee, depending on what sorts of memories you have-- pavement, you find things that make you smile, laugh, cry, cheer, bawl like an infant, face palm. 

Today I decided to stroll down Reminiscence Street and look over an old writing of mine.

I haven't got much historical facts concerning this particular story. If I can recall, I wrote it back when we lived in Elizabeth City, North Carolina when my mom secondly decided to homeschool us after a few years in public school *shivers at the horrid memories of my elementary years*.  I'm not quite sure why or what it's purpose was, but she told us to write a story, for some reason.

All I know is that, to my memory, this is one of the, if not the, very first stories I've ever written. 

I had found it about a year ago on one of my old memory sticks-- the same memory stick which contained a folder among my images that was labeled 'Friends' and had a picture of Jesus in it. It was the only piece of literature I found, which rather surprised me since I can recall writing a sequel and a triquel...

Anyway, today I have decided to finally read it and to share it with you lot. I will input my commentaries and annotations as I go through it. I promise, it isn't too long.

Before I begin, however, I would like to warn you that this is completely raw and unedited. I haven't the faintest idea what sort of terror one might find in this. Also, I wrote it hoping to relate to people. However, having more experience in writing than I did back then, I know now that one should write what they're familiar with. The sensitive topic was absolutely foreign to me, hence the unnatural feel to it.

Anywho, here it is:

You Don't Need to Run by Victoria Wyatt     January 2012

Chapter 1: The Fan
BANG! [I started this story with a "BANG"] “Kor, what was that?” said Alex Smith as she walked toward the stair case. [Smith? Honestly? I couldn't have come up with a better surname?]

“Umm, well, uh, nothing mom! It was nothing!!”

She went up the stairs and into Korey’s room where she saw Korey and her friend Roni staring, with mouths open, at the ceiling fan, but it was not on the ceiling, but the ground. [You can tell that I wrote this when I first began my obsession with the band Skillet. Korey is named after Korey Cooper-- the keyboardist and guitarist of the band, and the wife of John freaking Cooper, the lead vocals-- and Alex-- short for Alexandria-- is the name of Korey and John's daughter.]

Alex gasped, “Korey Rose Smith! What on earth happened here? Your father is gonna freak when he sees this!”

Korey stood up to protest, “It wasn’t my fault I promise!! Roni and me where...” [*face palms*] Alex gave Korey a look. “Alright, we were throwing a Frisbee and it might have hit the fan, but that’s it!” [Man, how hard were they throwing that generic flying disc?!?] Korey took a breath then sat back down.

Alex looked over at Roni, “Veronica? Do you have anything to add?” [Yes. Yes I did name a side character after my dad.]

Roni looked up and said, “Nope. She pretty much covered all of it, already.” [This is so corny, ohmygosh. I can hardly function.]

Alex made a small smile under her frown then said, “Kor, make sure u [u?] get most of this mess cleaned up before your father gets home from work. I need to go.” [My mother definitely wouldn't have been so cool about it! I haven't the faintest idea what my inspiration for this character was... Where's the punishment? You're just going to let this girl get away with BREAKING YOUR FREAKING FAN??] She kissed Korey’s forehead, “Bye.”

After she left Korey sat in front of the mess and stared, “My dad is gonna kill me.”

Roni sat beside her and gave her a hug, “Don’t worry Kor, it’ll be fine. Trust me. I’ll help you clean it up before band practice.”

Roni was the kind of girl who loved music. She also looked like she did. She wore dark clothes and often dyed her hair black with light blue highlights. [Again, another Skillet-thing. Korey Cooper had her hair dyed like that back in the day.] She wore tons of black make-up. She played the electric guitar for her church’s Praise Band. Her look was so not her personality. She was always happy, nice, and bright. [Uh, stereotypical labelling much?] “Thanks,” said Korey as she picked up pieces after pieces. ["pieces after pieces"? *face palms*]

Now Korey looks nothing like Roni. She has long brownish-reddish-blondish hair (that was natural) [Thanks, younger me, for that additional detail.] and only wore make-up that blended in with her skin tone. [What does this even mean??] Her clothes were bright, colorful, and creative. She could mix any clothes item with another and make it look good.

After they vacuumed all the little pieces of wood and put the big stuff in the trash Korey walked with Roni down stairs. “I’m sorry Korey. It was my fault do you need me to stay and take some of the blame?” [The grammar in this is literally horrible. *eyes widen when I realise that my grammar still sucks like a vacuum in a blackhole and I haven't changed much over the years*]

Korey smiled and thought, “Who has the coolest friend ever?” “Don’t worry its fine. It was my idea anyway. You need to go to band practice.”

Roni smiled, “Ok, but I got your back. If you need me call me, ok? I don’t want you getting all the blame. Also I’ll come as quick as possible. Even quicker then you can do ten math problems. Understand?” [Ooh! Ten math problems! What a whoopi!]

Korey smiled “But I am an honors student. Ten math problems isn’t a lot for me.” [How many math problems was my mom giving me back then where ten was a lot for anyone??]

Roni smiled and grabbed her keys, “I know.” then drove to church.

DING DONG. [Man, I must've really loved onomatopoeias.] Korey on looked ["on looked"? ON LOOKED? My gracious, this story is going to be the death of me!] the door and saw her dad, “Hi daddy!” then she kissed him, “why did you ring and not just open the door?”

["All for the sake of an onomatopoeia, sweetie."] “Well,” he said, “The door was locked.” Korey laughed [How is that funny? HOW IS IT FUNNNNNYYY?] then started setting the table.

“I’m home!!” yelled Alex, “hi John, how was you day?” [John... Cooper-- yet another Skillet-thing.]

He smiled and said, “It was just fine, Thank you.” [Oi! But I did just realise something entirely unintentional that I did: Korey Smith. Alex Smith... JOHN SMITH.]

“Alright, everything is going good. He is happy. Perfect time to tell him!”

They sat down for dinner prayed and started eating. Alex kept giving looks to Korey. She knew what they meant. They meant, “Tell him before its too late!” but Korey pretended she didn’t know.

After dinner, Korey finally went to her dad’s office and told him everything that happened. He was mad! [Yeah, I can tell by the exclamation point.] He said, “Alexandra! Come here please!”

She ran in and said, “Alright, something is wrong. You called me...” she say Korey and said, “Oh, that.” [What else were you expecting, woman?]

John walked up to her and said, “Yeah this! Do you know how much money it costs to buy a new fan?” [About fifty bucks if you order online-- shipping not included. But you must order within the next twenty-four hours!]

Alex was speechless. “Dad,” said Korey, “yell at me. I threw the Frisbee. Mom was in her room getting ready for work. She didn’t know...”

“But she was suppose to be the adult!” said he father then he turned to her mom, “This is not the first time this has happened, Alex. [Not the first time?! Why do they keep allowing their daughter to have a generic flying disc?] Either she or Veronica could have been under the fan at the time!”

Steam came out of Alex’s ears, “What do you want me to do, John? Put a camera in her room and watch her 24/7? [Um, apparently if this keeps happening.] She is 17 now! ["Yeah, she was just seventeeeen... if you know what I meeeaaaan..."] She doesn’t need anyone to watch her! She was just board [*face palms*] and wanted to find something to do with Roni!!!”

John opened his mouth to say something then he turned and said, “Korey, please go up to your room.”

Korey was trying to run but her feet were stuck to the floor. She confused. She wanted to cry but no tears came. She wanted to live so she wouldn’t have to listen to them fighting. But she was frozen. This wasn’t the first time they fight. She had a bad feeling about this won. He called her mom Alexandra. She hated that name. She likes Alex butter. She was gonna say something but all she could do was star. [*face palms this whole entire paragraph*]

Her father looked at her again, “Korey?” she turned around and started running out the door. She went up stairs and fell face forward on her bed still not crying. She was just laying there in the dark, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. Then she slowly fell asleep.

Chapter 2: The Blog [Ah, yes. Another chapter. My attempt at a novel, I imagine.]
She woke up the next morning by a knock at her window. She turned on a lamp by her bed then walked to the window. It was Joe. Joe was her neighbor and friend. Their houses’ were close to each other and their windows were beside each others so they could throw a rock and talk. [This is such a typical best-friends-in-2000s-films thing.]

“Joe?” she said looking at her clock, “it’s four in the morning! What do you want?”

Joe smiled, “Uh, rise and shine?”

“Nice try” said Korey. [Yeah, nice try. But seriously, though. What are you doing knocking at her window at four in the morning? If you were my friend and you did that, I would be peed off.]

Joe laughed and said, “Were your parents fighting again last night? I saw the light on downstairs about and hour ago and heard only a couple of words, but it sounded like a fight.” [Mind your own dern business, Joe!]

Korey frowned, “Maybe. But it was all my fault. If I wasn’t so stupid they wouldn’t be in this mess.” Then Korey told the hole story to Joe.

“Oh, umm, well, uh, I’m sorry. I wish I could help.” [Why the stammering? The girl's upset and you're spluttering 'ohs', and 'ums', and 'uhs'? Gah, that's annoying!]

She smiled, “its fine.” [I'm pretty sure I shipped them.]

Then she heard a faint, “Joe turn off that light I am trying to sleep" [The lack of punctuation scares me.] It was his older brother Zack.

Joe turned and faced with her, “I gotta go. Bye. Sorry” then he shut the curtain and turned off his light.

Korey went over to her laptop and went to her blog, Life as an Average Girl, and signed in. [Ah! I remember now! I wrote this when my mom first created us individual blogs. Mine was called Victorious Living. Obviously my main character had to have a blog, too. Obviously.] She clicked “new post” and started typing:

Hello Readers,
I bet a lot of you have noticed that it’s four thirty in the morning. [Or, maybe they didn't because they decided to read the post later on in the day.] It’s because I had a bad night. Have anyone else have one of them? [Literally, the number of *face palms* so far in this story is horrid.] Anyone feel like no one cares?

Trust me. I feeled the same way, but not no more. God cares and he is with you. Don’t blame yourself for the storms in you life. Trust me, God’s got this. Even if you don’t think so he does. He said he will never drop us.
Love,
An Average Girl

Then she shut her laptop and walked over to her bed and fell back to sleep.

“Sweetheart, sweetie, honey?  ["sugar, maple syrup, stevia, sweet-n-low, pink packet, agave nectar?"]

she woke up and saw her mom sitting next to her on her bed, “Good morning sleepy head. How was your sleep?”

Korey sat up and said, “Terrible. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault that dad yelled at you.”

Her mom smiled, “its ok sweetheart. It wasn’t your fault don’t worry. [Are you kidding me? Of course it was her fault!]
Anyway, get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast.” She kissed her forehead then left. [As you can see, I loved adding detail to my stories *hopes the readers know I'm being sarcastic*]

Korey got out of bed and looked at her calendar. Finally Saturday! “Maybe today might be better.” She went over to the bathroom, took a shower then put on a pair of ripped jeans and a Skillet T-shirt then went downstairs. ["Skillet T-shirt".]

She walked in the dinning room.

“Good Morning sweetie.” said her dad as he hugged her.

“Good morning daddy.” They sat at the table, but her parents didn’t hold hands to pray. She just ignored it and continued praying. [Gurl, what'chu doin with your eyes open during a prayer??]

That day was better. Her parents were at work and she helped Roni get ready for a concert that the church was going to be having. That night during dinner it was the same way. Her parents didn’t say, “hi sweetheart” to each other and give a kiss. Instead they just ignored each other.

After dinner Korey’s father called her in his office. Both of her parents looked upset. She sat down on the chair beside her mom and her dad said, “Sweetie, you know we love you very much and you mean the world to us but,” Korey froze. She knew this speech. She watched it in movies all the time. She started getting the lump again. “But,” he continued, “You know that your mother and I have been fighting for awhile, and uh, we just decided that it might be better if all this fighting just stopped. Umm, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it cause you are older now and would understand better.

“Sweetie, your mother and I are gonna get a divorce.” There it goes. The word she wished that she would never hear ever. But now it’s in her face and she can’t keep it away even if she tried. [My parent's have never been divorced, so I haven't the faintest idea how realistic this is, but it feels very unnatural.]

“What?” that was the only thing she could say nothing else would come out. She wanted to cry but no tears came.

“Honey, it’s not your fault. Trust me. It’s your father and I don’t blame yourself.”

Then she started running.

Chapter 3: God’s got this [The last and final chapter.]
She didn’t know she was going. She just had to leave. Anywhere would be fine other then here. [As you may have noticed, I've given up with the *face palms*]

She ran upstairs to grab her purse and her jacket then left. She walked down the pourch [What's funny is that I still spell this word wrong when I'm not thinking about it. I guess old habits never die.] steps. She opened up the door of her car. She buckled up and started to drive away.

It started to rain right when she got into the car. [How typically expected.] She was gonna drive to Canada but she couldn’t see a thing. [Now, before we continue, I would like to add that, when I wrote this, we lived in North Carolina. Mind you, it is a lot further to Canada than New York state is. I'm sure Mexico would've been a more realistic option... Not to mention that one cannot simply drive into another country without a passport, which I hardly doubted she had.] She turned in her church parking lot and went inside. She walked over to the front bench and sat there.

She felt a hand touch her shoulder and she looked up and saw Pastor Kevin. “May I please sit?” She nodded and put her face in her hands. He looked at her and said, “Are you ok?”  [Maybe it's just my poor choice in names, but i can't help but read this in Kevin's voice from The Office...]

she said with her face in her hands, “No. I am not ok. My parents are leaving each other forever, and it’s all my fault.” [The horrible writing is really starting to give me a headache.]

He hugged her and said, “Shh, its ok, calm down, it’s not your fault. Don’t worry. They will still love you.”

She sniffed, “Are you sure?” she asked.

He smiled and said, “Yes, 100%." She nodded. [Wow. Didn't take a lot of convincing on his part.] "Would you like me to pray with you?”

She sat up, “Yes, please.”

He held her hand and said, “Dear God, I am here to ask you a big favor. Korey is going through some storms and she needs your help to get her through them. Please, show her the way. We love you very much, and we thank you for what you are gonna do in this young lady’s life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“Amen” she said.

He looked at her and said, “Don’t worry. God’s got this. You don’t need to run.” [And there's the title.] And there, for the first time, started to cry.

Annnnnddddd that's it.

I can't quite remember how the other two stories went. I think in one of them her dad gets remarried and she and Joe end up being a thing. Maybe not though. My memory is absolutely shot concerning this.

If I were to review this story as I would any other book review, I would have to give this one star. The writing was horrible-- which includes the grammar and the style. The story seemed to drag. It was unrealistic. It was rather dull. Honestly, it looked like a child wrote it *readers mentally try to calculate my age back in early 2012 and figure out that I was, in fact, only a mere child.*

That was rather fun. It's a lot more enjoyable denouncing your own work than it is another. I believe that is why I can never be a proper critic-- I am far too worried about hurting someone's feelings. However, since I am my own person, and the author did give her consent, I didn't mind being harsh.

I think it's rather intriguing seeing how far along I've come in my writing. I wish I had saved some more works from my younger years so I could do this again. Oh well.