Why Ukuleles Should Be BANNED!

Whether you've seen or heard one in person, or via the television or the worldwide web, there's no denying, ladies and gentleman, the ukulele's musical and emotional stimulation and relaxation techniques.

Or, in other words, pure witchcraft against all of humanity.

Originating in Hawaii during the nineteenth century, these faux guitars seem to be growing ever more popular in this day and age, attracting many with its small size and cheerful songs. And by "faux guitars", ladies and gentlemen, I do very well mean faux-- adding emphasis to the very word.

They're far smaller than the beloved, larger stringed instrument, using four strings instead of the usual six. Many ukulelists have claimed that they're much easier to play than the guitar. Perhaps so, but easier doesn't always mean better. After all, what is to happen to the frustration, sweat, and stress brought by learning the guitar? The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is that it will be no more. No more tiresome practices, no more emotional breakdowns and exclaiming to yourself that you can never, ever be a proper guitarist. Of course, ukuleles bring struggle, but not as much. The struggle pushes us forward. The struggle helps us learn. The struggle is what we need.

And what about the happiness and joy it brings? With everyone being happy,-- seemingly drugged by the uke's alluring tones and music-- how will anything ever get done? How will people ever get back to the real world from their dream state of mind caused by none other than the ukulele? If everyone strode around happily, (playing ukuleles, drinking tea, and dancing) how will people hate each other? There wouldn't possibly be any room for hatred. Everyone will be friends, best mates, buddies; and perish the thought that would happen!

If everyone were 'besties 4 life', what would happen to the arguments? The hatred? The wars? They will all perish with the rest of everyone's dread. No more wars and no more bloodshed. No more killing and no more innocent deaths. And however could we, humankind, live like that?

Wars keep us sane. Wars keep us grounded. Wars haunt our lives and scare us into reality. Wars show people what life truly is; dark, depressing, unfeeling of any sentiment, and cold-- oh-so cold! Wars make humans humans.

How are we supposed to live without depression? Without heartache? Without distrust, and frustration, and bloodshed? The answer is, ladies and gentlemen, we couldn't. The mere possibility of mankind surviving in such circumstances is a whimsical dream that will never come true.

"Ban ukuleles!" I say. "Ban the source of happiness!" I exclaim.

I don't know about you, but I love humanity. I care far more about the needs of the whole than the emotional wants of the many. I'd rather live miserable than die happy. And I hope this post has convinced you the same. #BanUkuleles